Short-term goals.

October 2008

1. Start writing again
2. Get gym membership and start exercising seriously
3. Read a good book
4. Spend more time with family
5. Take more photographs
   

November 2008

1. Get accepted into part-time psychology masters
2. Get a new job that pays at least $43k/annum
3. Learn to speak more clearly and accurately
   

December 2008

1. Open a first home buyer savings account and start saving
2. Take a short break in regional WA
3. Lose fat, gain muscle
   
4. Play in MtG pro-tour qualifiers
   

2009

1. Buy a new car
2. Move out if finances permit
3. Take a holiday interstate
   
4. Improve photography skills
5. Finish writing book
6. Maintain weight at 85 kilos by end of year
7. Learn a new skill
   

Over-considering wastes time.

Its ridiculous how some people are so trapped by the legal and moral rammifications of an action that they let opportunity pass them by. Sure there's a lot of grey areas that require careful negotiation, but most situations don't allow for navel-gazing.

Take today. We're bound by a duty of care to disregard case manager/client privacy if it impacts on a client's safety and well being. My supervisor was so paralysed by the legalities of informing the school about a client that I ended up spending an hour twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to wrestle her way to a satisfactory outcome.

A lot of things could have happened to the client in that hour, but thankfully nothing did. When my supervisor finally got around to telling the school's youth worker, she discovered that the school already knew. How's that for time well spent?

I believe that when faced with a dilemna, you've got to take decisive action and do what's right, even if 'right' is unpopular and difficult. Take today's example. The right thing to do is inform the school, even if it means potentially losing that case manager/client rapport. What's imperative is getting the client the appropriate assistance, even if he hates you afterwards.

Sitting around considering the 'what ifs' doesn't accomplish anything. Char is fond of reminding me of that line in Batman Begins: "what I do defines me". That's exactly right. Sometimes you have to do the right thing in a timely manner and take opportunity as it comes. That's something that I try to cultivate in myself, even if the choices are hard and may hurt people.

Afternoon in the park.

Went to Freo briefly to do a little shooting. Thank god for fine weather! That said, I did get there as the sun was setting, so this batch of shots aren't very well lit. It's a shame because the colours could more vibrant.

Looking at the pictures that I've done recently, I don't think I have improved at all since picking up the camera again. I certainly don't make people sit up and go 'wow'; more like 'oh, that's nice'. Need to work on my angles too. I know some shots would be more dynamic if I shot it lower or higher or at an angle. Need to internalise that.



My grandma used to bring me to the little playground next to our block in Ang Mo Kio when I was four or five. I remember quite clearly one afternoon she picked me up from kindergarten, let me play around the playground for a bit before going home to a lunch of fried egg and rice. It's the little things like that which stick in your head: innocence and idyllic days.

I miss you grandma.



I love how us church boys used to play football every weekend. Sometimes the oldies (meaning our dads) would come in, and we'd have a fathers versus sons game. We always lost; guess experience does count for a lot, eh? Oh, those were the days.



This was one of those completely random pictures that just randomly happen. I pointed my camera in their general direction, and there it was. I like this picture, it gives me a sense of familial security between mother and child. Family is important to me, even though my current one practically drives me up the proverbial wall every other day.

More photos to come soon!

And then, and then, and...

Went out for a spot of shooting yesterday. God, I wish it was summer. Open blue skies are so welcoming versus this curtain of perpetual grey. I guess my shooting skills have really anthropied since the last time I seriously picked up a camera for any extended period of time(circa 2002).

Went for a 2 hour long blood test too. Kind of ridiculous, but it can't really be helped. The doc wants to check for diabetes, which means drinking a cup of sugar water and being poked every 30 mins to check glucouse absorbtion over time.

Wrote out a timeline for the story though. And I got some reading done.

Speaking of writing, I slogged through the last bits of chapter four of my 'novel' (to borrow Cheryl's term), but got pretty smooth at chapters five and six. I think the main reason why chapter four was such hard going is because it's a set up for subsequent character arcs. It's necessary, but not all that exciting to write about.

Plus I do write short chapters, so it's not really all THAT much words.

I think Wally's getting a bit antagonistic though. I know he's just hurting, but I really should try and rein him in a bit.

Post Scriptum.

On Saturday, May 10, I wrote "And I don't give a rat's arse who I have to stab or step on to get there."

I'm sorry for saying it. And my saying it hurt and disappointed more people than I knew. I don't mean it. I was angry, and when I am angry, I say lots of extreme things that I don't mean. I know that stabbing and stepping don't earn you friends, and I don't intend to to that just to get ahead.

I know I'm an asshole when I'm angry, and that's something I have been trying to work on for a very long time. Aggression comes to me too easily.

Guess it goes to show how much of a good person I'm not. I'm really disappointed in myself.

I'm really sorry that I've said harsh things that I don't mean. I'm making an effort to stop being like this.

Backsliding.

I backslide into self-absorbed emo-ness when I get angry or irritated. That's a problem. I can either try to not be angry or irritated, or I can remove myself from the source of irritation.

Attempts to curb the temper aren't enough. In the spirit of being upfront, I tend to be more blunt and direct in approaching people, provoking them. That in turn provokes me, so that's obviously not working as well as I would like.

It's difficult for me to speak my mind tactfully without resorting to indirect methods. Need to work on that.

Moving out will be a great boon to me because it gets me away from Mum (primary source of irritation). Looking at the finances, I need to keep working and saving in order to get there. First things first, I do need a (personal) vehicle before I can think of renting a place of my own. Transportation demands in Perth being what they are.

I realise that I'm too shackled by familial obligations and my mother's whims and opinions both financially and personally. It's hard to break away, but I'm trying to care less about that and focus more on myself and what I want without being selfish or self-absorbed.

Money woes.

(Ironic that this post comes hot on the heels of a 'I want this cool expensive thing abso-fucking-lutely now!' post, isn't it?)

Finances are a bit tight at the moment, so I'll be terse because I don't want to bore you. (And yes, I have no problem disclosing exactly how broke I am)

Weekly expenditure

1. Guitar lessons : $40
2. Petrol: $50
3. Gym membership: $15
4. Camera payments: $20

Total expenditure/week: $125
Current salary per week: $203.41 (after tax)
Disposable income per week: $78.41

Factoring in food and other necessities, I'll barely break even. Considering that I sort out most of my meals despite living at home, I eat cheap. Trying to cut carbs (indomee's out), so I'm eating protien (chicken or eggs) and frozen veggies for each meal (works out to abour $4/meal). Surprisingly, I'm still fat.

And let's not even get to mobile phone bills and other recurring costs like toiletries and such.

Travelling less (or simply not going out) to reduce fuel costs as well. Gym's necessary though. It's too cold out, and the dry air makes my nose run. Seeing as I don't appreciate having a perpetual runny nose, gym is a better option. Plus I get to meet people, which is half the reason for even going to the gym.

The camera's a hobby more than anything else, and a guy does need hobbies before he goes insane - even if he is broke.

I really should stop guitar lessons. Although it'll be foolish to call it quits so early. I need the lessons and my teacher IS good, $40 is just more than I can afford right now. I'm trying to talk my folks into paying for it, seeing as they DID offer. However, mum's notoriously good at forgetting about things like that, and even asked 'why should I? It's your lesson!' when I broached the subject.

I'll try guitar for another couple of weeks and reassess the situation then. No point rushing into things.

The new job will pay about $538.46/week after tax. I really can't wait.

I figure that if I continue my current expenditure, I can probably save about $200 a week ($3200 by end of contract). Only trouble is the parents insist on going back to Singapore over December, and insist on going on a 'family holiday'. There goes whatever I can save. Looks like I'll be back to square one when I head back to school next year.

I have been protesting going back to Singapore/family holiday based on the grounds that I can't afford it AND go to Kuching with Char. No luck so far. Mum always promises to pay, but never pulls through when the time comes to put the cash down.

Guys, it's not personal. I just really can't afford to come back and see you fellows for anything longer than a week. Ideally, I'd go back to Singapore for a week, fly to Kuching for a week, then get back to Perth and work.

Jaded.

It all boils down to the bottom line. When I started down this career path, I wanted to help people and make a difference. Today I want to get into Masters of Psychology because it helps the bottom line, not because of any great desire to actually chase that path.

In an ideal world I'd be a counsellor and a writer. That's all I want to be. But this world isn't ideal. I need to pay the bills.

Yesterday I met a guy working behind the counter at the post office. He graduated from IT the same time I did. How the mighty have fallen.

It sucks to be compared to people who are either already rich, or getting there. Maybe I'm materialistic, but providing for myself and my family is important. I like the cool and interesting things. I like sharp clothes, cool gadgets and fast cars. I'm tired of looking at other people getting those things ahead of me.

I am jaded. I'm looking to survive. I might be turning twenty-six, but in terms of where I am in life, I'm still twenty-three. The best years of my life were conscripted. I never had years nineteen to twenty-two to better myself. In that, I'm way behind a lot of other people.

But damnit, I need to stand on my own and make my way. I want to be financially secure. I don't want to be beholden to my parents. And I don't give a rat's arse who I have to stab or step on to get there.

Checking in.

Just went for my guitar lesson (yes, I'm actually taking lessons), and I'm amazed at how crap I am. I'm starting on playing the blues, since they're the basis for most music out there today. Not so wild about that though, I'd rather jump straight into the rock I so love. Then again a guy has to start from the basics, right?

Still trying to feel my way around the guitar a bit. Technique's shaky, but that's something that only practice can cure. Trying to break a few bad habits too.

Popping out in a bit to mail out/settle things for my new job. It's a pain. I'm spending around $116 in total to run all these federal checks in order to be eligible for the job (working with children, police records, etc, etc). Thankfully I can claim that back at the end of the tax year.

In related job news, Life Without Barriers called me this morning for an interview. I'm really not keen on this job, but I'll go for it just to keep my options open. Took their bloody time though. The information session I went for was a month-and-a-half ago. Ridiculous, no?

Okay, I'm off again! No rest for the weary, eh?

EDIT: Got back from sorting out the job stuff. Apparently all the clearances will take another 3-5 weeks to process. Crazy shit. Good thing the job doesn't start until July.

Avoidance.

I have a problem with my anger, I am short-tempered and I get aggressive easily when irked. To me, anger and aggression come hand-in-hand. I've tried to deal (unsuccessfully) with the anger.

I think the problem lies not so much with the anger itself, but with that feeling of being irked that preceeds the anger. In my mind, being irked is related to being threatened, which is itself related to being hurt, eiter by myself or by others.

My anger is primarily a response to being hurt. That response has been blown out of proportion. I don't like being hurt, and I go out of my way to avoid being hurt. I avoid it to the point where anger becomes a defensive response, hence I get angry easily where there's no point in being angry.

So I'm tackling the root problem - fear of being hurt - as opposed to the temper. Plus, growth often comes from pain and if I don't allow myself to experience it, I will not grow.

Firstly, I accept that I have a problem that needs to be fixed. Secondly, I accept that hurts will occur in my life. Hurt is unavoidable and is not to be feared. Thirdly, I make a conscious effort to not allow myself to be hurt by the tiniest things. Fourthly, I make a conscious effort to not get angry defensively.

I want to be the best that I can be.

What makes a man?

It feels like a time for a change. I confess I do tend to write for myself more than for others, and it alienates people. Most persons who stop by my spaces are friends I know personally, and once in a while the occasional stranger.

I've been wrong in expecting people to read or comment when all I'm doing is writing for myself.

Where I am now in life is a crossroads, and I admit I have not been coping very well. I have gotten self-indulgent and self-pitying. That's not something I am proud of. I haven't thought things through. That's something I really need to be doing.

In a way that's what this space is all about. A new start.