Into the dark.

Caves are something I've always been fascinated with. The mind continually boggles at the sheer patient working of time as water forms wondrous limestone columns and carves its way through the unyielding rock. Caves also make me somewhat uneasy, especially since I did have a childhood fear of the dark and I do have the somewhat unreasoning fear of falling.

Nonetheless, the best way to see nature's patient work is up close and personal. Plus since Char has a great interest in caves, we took a trip to Mammoth Cave during our weekend in Margaret River.

Into the dark.

Cave entrance, Mammoth Cave.

The river winds throughout the cave from entrance to exit, although we lose sight of it barely a hundred metres in as the river runs underground to places we can't reach. Naturally, I conveniently forget to bring my tripod along, so I was forced to do hand-held 2 sec exposures with the camera. Surprisingly they didn't turn out too bad, all things considered! What I would have given for a tripod or a much faster lens though!

The deep places.

Mammoth Cave.

I shot this glorious picture from one of the many platforms along the walkway through the cave. The lighting is just spectacular and really highlights the sheer scope and depth of the many different rock formations, stalactites and stalagmites.

Bit of trivia here, stalactites are the spikes that point downwards from the ceiling of limestone caves, and stalagmites are the ones that rice from the floor. When a stalactite and stalagmite meet, they form a column that stretches from the top to bottom of the cave. Both are formed by the dripping action of mineral-rich water that gets deposited on the top and bottom of the cave and slowly form the spikes you see over thousands of years.

Okay, trivia lesson over!

Highway to hell.

Mammoth Cave.

I must confess that I do still have a fear of heights and of falling, and the path through the cave didn't help it any! The walkways are about a metre wide with railings just over a metre high. Combine that with many upward and downward steps to negotiate through the cave, and you pretty much get a situation where Chris gets just a little on edge. I survived it fairly well though, so take that, fears!

Must say, I had the entire scene from the Fellowship of the Ring where the fellowship travels through Moria in my head when I was going through the cave. Complete with getting chased by orcs and the occasional balrog (You! Shall! Not! Pass!).

Yes I am random that way.

Incidentally, there are a couple fossils of ancient megafauna that walked the Australian continent millions of years ago. Sadly I was unable to take a decent photo of those fossils. But just seeing that old jawbone sticking out of the rock is a good reminder that we're just another one of many species who have called our world home, just as there'll probably be many species coming after us once we're gone.

River within.

Exit, Mammoth Cave.

All of a sudden you duck your head under a bit of low-lying rock and you find the river again. Equally slow, rusty brown coloured and a little more brackish-smelling than before. Not something I'd like to drink!

Escape to the surface.

Exit to the surface level, Mammoth Cave.

And just when you thought you got out of the cave, you find yourself at the bottom of a chasm and it's fifty-or-so metres straight up! It's interesting geography though! Truly very different when you're looking up at the blue sky overhead and you're surrounded by rock, earth and fallen trees. Again I started wishing that I had a wide angle lens (or even better, a fish eye lens!) to better capture the location.

Red.

Native flowers, near the Mammoth Cave exit.

Nothing like immersion in darkness to make you appreciate the vibrancy of colour! Shot this while climbing the stairs out of the cave. The native flora and fauna have a certain hardiness to them that bellies the often harsh and inhospitable land that they flourish in, and spring is the rare time where they blossom and bloom in a riot of colour.

Yellow.

Native flowers, near the Mammoth Cave exit.

My own personal misgivings aside, Mammoth Cave was quite the eye-opener for me. It's so different from the caves in Malaysia that I've visited. There were no bats and the cave floor was practically devoid of bat-droppings. The colours are also different, just a little more saturated than the caves I've visited previously (although it might just be an artefact of electric lighting).

It's also a bit of a victory for me because I made it through the cave with no lasting complaint, although Char might say otherwise! Char was talking about bringing me to the caves over in her neck of the woods when we go there at the end of the year. She's a little worried that I might not be able to cope, but I'm sure I'll manage. Plus if I can get a couple good shots in while I'm at it, why not?

Thoughts on thinking

The brain is at work 24/7. There's no point where you aren't thinking. Unconscious thought processes are at work even if you don't recognise it. Every action, thought and emotion is regulated by conscious or unconscious thoughts.

Kant famously said 'I think, thus I am'. Existential questions aside, my layman's interpretation of that statement is 'who and what I am is shaped by how and what I think'. I find that I sometimes fall short in my relationships and life endevours precisely because I'm not thinking (or thinking throughly enough). This needs to change.

I've been lazy and relied on my emotional reactions as opposed to my reasoned thoughts. I know I haven't been the best I can be lately, and I've hurt some people because of my failure to think and to get out of my comfort zone. I'm truly sorry that I've hurt you, and I am making a commitment to rectify this problem and hopefully make amends.

My action plan/points to remember for change are as follows

1. Be aware that I am thinking

2. Be aware of what I am thinking, consciously and unconsciously

3. Recognise self-absorbed/self-focused 'tunnel vision' and avoid it

4. Consider things rationally, systematically and realistically

5. Recognise my emotions, but not allow myself to be controlled by them

6. Do not stick with a single way of thinking, but look at the issue from different perspectives

7. Think of how my message will be received by listeners

8. Think quickly, thoroughly and decisively

9. Stop being automatically defensive and argumentative because it stops me from thinking

10. Do not think in extremes or absolutes

Sprains and pocket pains.

I just slipped and sprained my back. It hurts to do anything other than sit upright or lie down. Moving quickly with dress socks on laminated wood floors? Big no no.

Looking at Perth-Singapore flights at the moment. They're horribly expensive even with budget airlines ($800-ish return? Ouch!). I can't afford to fly given my current financial situation. I don't plan on coming back this year at all. Mainly because of cost and lost pay, but also because my return ticket is on Qantas and their recent 4 mid-air plane malfuctions worry me.

I miss you guys back home and I'm really sorry that we'll be seeing even less of each other now. Thank God for small blessings like MSN.

I'm looking to move out of home soon. Ideally around March next year when I've got a little more cash and know where I'm going with masters. I've been looking for a small house/flat/room to rent, so any help will be appreciated. If you know a place, or want to share a house/flat circa March 2009, please let me know.

Anyway, the back really hurts, so I'm going to lie down. What a great way to spend a Saturday night, eh?

EDIT:
Given the cost and the fact that I do have to see my grandma in Singapore, best money-wise solution is to fly back to Singapore on my Qantas ticket. Spend a week maximum in Singapore., then get one-way back to Perth ($300-ish on Tiger) and that'll be the end of that. Win-win.

Kick backs.

For the fourth time this week, I've tried to take a shower before heading out (as is my habit), and someone's either already in the shower, or runs into the shower when I step into my room to get clothes/take a piss. Hence, I've been late for work, or in today's case, losing valuable daylight hours for shooting.

Considering that the plumbing is so shot that whenever someone turns on the hot water elsewhere in the house, you almost immediately get a cold shower, it's a wonder I even bathe as regularly as I do. (Approximately thrice every two days, if anyone's asking)

If this isn't evidence that it is better to live alone, don't know what is.

Toss in the fact that my internet is slow (1200kps is nothing when you have up to four computers running at the same time, and my sister is invariably downloading/streaming). Add in the fact that I can't even get a beer because of health problems. And you'd have a rough idea of how pissed I am right now.

I've just wasted an entire Saturday. Thank you, family.

Post Scriptum.

On Saturday, May 10, I wrote "And I don't give a rat's arse who I have to stab or step on to get there."

I'm sorry for saying it. And my saying it hurt and disappointed more people than I knew. I don't mean it. I was angry, and when I am angry, I say lots of extreme things that I don't mean. I know that stabbing and stepping don't earn you friends, and I don't intend to to that just to get ahead.

I know I'm an asshole when I'm angry, and that's something I have been trying to work on for a very long time. Aggression comes to me too easily.

Guess it goes to show how much of a good person I'm not. I'm really disappointed in myself.

I'm really sorry that I've said harsh things that I don't mean. I'm making an effort to stop being like this.

Backsliding.

I backslide into self-absorbed emo-ness when I get angry or irritated. That's a problem. I can either try to not be angry or irritated, or I can remove myself from the source of irritation.

Attempts to curb the temper aren't enough. In the spirit of being upfront, I tend to be more blunt and direct in approaching people, provoking them. That in turn provokes me, so that's obviously not working as well as I would like.

It's difficult for me to speak my mind tactfully without resorting to indirect methods. Need to work on that.

Moving out will be a great boon to me because it gets me away from Mum (primary source of irritation). Looking at the finances, I need to keep working and saving in order to get there. First things first, I do need a (personal) vehicle before I can think of renting a place of my own. Transportation demands in Perth being what they are.

I realise that I'm too shackled by familial obligations and my mother's whims and opinions both financially and personally. It's hard to break away, but I'm trying to care less about that and focus more on myself and what I want without being selfish or self-absorbed.

Jaded.

It all boils down to the bottom line. When I started down this career path, I wanted to help people and make a difference. Today I want to get into Masters of Psychology because it helps the bottom line, not because of any great desire to actually chase that path.

In an ideal world I'd be a counsellor and a writer. That's all I want to be. But this world isn't ideal. I need to pay the bills.

Yesterday I met a guy working behind the counter at the post office. He graduated from IT the same time I did. How the mighty have fallen.

It sucks to be compared to people who are either already rich, or getting there. Maybe I'm materialistic, but providing for myself and my family is important. I like the cool and interesting things. I like sharp clothes, cool gadgets and fast cars. I'm tired of looking at other people getting those things ahead of me.

I am jaded. I'm looking to survive. I might be turning twenty-six, but in terms of where I am in life, I'm still twenty-three. The best years of my life were conscripted. I never had years nineteen to twenty-two to better myself. In that, I'm way behind a lot of other people.

But damnit, I need to stand on my own and make my way. I want to be financially secure. I don't want to be beholden to my parents. And I don't give a rat's arse who I have to stab or step on to get there.

Avoidance.

I have a problem with my anger, I am short-tempered and I get aggressive easily when irked. To me, anger and aggression come hand-in-hand. I've tried to deal (unsuccessfully) with the anger.

I think the problem lies not so much with the anger itself, but with that feeling of being irked that preceeds the anger. In my mind, being irked is related to being threatened, which is itself related to being hurt, eiter by myself or by others.

My anger is primarily a response to being hurt. That response has been blown out of proportion. I don't like being hurt, and I go out of my way to avoid being hurt. I avoid it to the point where anger becomes a defensive response, hence I get angry easily where there's no point in being angry.

So I'm tackling the root problem - fear of being hurt - as opposed to the temper. Plus, growth often comes from pain and if I don't allow myself to experience it, I will not grow.

Firstly, I accept that I have a problem that needs to be fixed. Secondly, I accept that hurts will occur in my life. Hurt is unavoidable and is not to be feared. Thirdly, I make a conscious effort to not allow myself to be hurt by the tiniest things. Fourthly, I make a conscious effort to not get angry defensively.

I want to be the best that I can be.