Into the dark.

Caves are something I've always been fascinated with. The mind continually boggles at the sheer patient working of time as water forms wondrous limestone columns and carves its way through the unyielding rock. Caves also make me somewhat uneasy, especially since I did have a childhood fear of the dark and I do have the somewhat unreasoning fear of falling.

Nonetheless, the best way to see nature's patient work is up close and personal. Plus since Char has a great interest in caves, we took a trip to Mammoth Cave during our weekend in Margaret River.

Into the dark.

Cave entrance, Mammoth Cave.

The river winds throughout the cave from entrance to exit, although we lose sight of it barely a hundred metres in as the river runs underground to places we can't reach. Naturally, I conveniently forget to bring my tripod along, so I was forced to do hand-held 2 sec exposures with the camera. Surprisingly they didn't turn out too bad, all things considered! What I would have given for a tripod or a much faster lens though!

The deep places.

Mammoth Cave.

I shot this glorious picture from one of the many platforms along the walkway through the cave. The lighting is just spectacular and really highlights the sheer scope and depth of the many different rock formations, stalactites and stalagmites.

Bit of trivia here, stalactites are the spikes that point downwards from the ceiling of limestone caves, and stalagmites are the ones that rice from the floor. When a stalactite and stalagmite meet, they form a column that stretches from the top to bottom of the cave. Both are formed by the dripping action of mineral-rich water that gets deposited on the top and bottom of the cave and slowly form the spikes you see over thousands of years.

Okay, trivia lesson over!

Highway to hell.

Mammoth Cave.

I must confess that I do still have a fear of heights and of falling, and the path through the cave didn't help it any! The walkways are about a metre wide with railings just over a metre high. Combine that with many upward and downward steps to negotiate through the cave, and you pretty much get a situation where Chris gets just a little on edge. I survived it fairly well though, so take that, fears!

Must say, I had the entire scene from the Fellowship of the Ring where the fellowship travels through Moria in my head when I was going through the cave. Complete with getting chased by orcs and the occasional balrog (You! Shall! Not! Pass!).

Yes I am random that way.

Incidentally, there are a couple fossils of ancient megafauna that walked the Australian continent millions of years ago. Sadly I was unable to take a decent photo of those fossils. But just seeing that old jawbone sticking out of the rock is a good reminder that we're just another one of many species who have called our world home, just as there'll probably be many species coming after us once we're gone.

River within.

Exit, Mammoth Cave.

All of a sudden you duck your head under a bit of low-lying rock and you find the river again. Equally slow, rusty brown coloured and a little more brackish-smelling than before. Not something I'd like to drink!

Escape to the surface.

Exit to the surface level, Mammoth Cave.

And just when you thought you got out of the cave, you find yourself at the bottom of a chasm and it's fifty-or-so metres straight up! It's interesting geography though! Truly very different when you're looking up at the blue sky overhead and you're surrounded by rock, earth and fallen trees. Again I started wishing that I had a wide angle lens (or even better, a fish eye lens!) to better capture the location.

Red.

Native flowers, near the Mammoth Cave exit.

Nothing like immersion in darkness to make you appreciate the vibrancy of colour! Shot this while climbing the stairs out of the cave. The native flora and fauna have a certain hardiness to them that bellies the often harsh and inhospitable land that they flourish in, and spring is the rare time where they blossom and bloom in a riot of colour.

Yellow.

Native flowers, near the Mammoth Cave exit.

My own personal misgivings aside, Mammoth Cave was quite the eye-opener for me. It's so different from the caves in Malaysia that I've visited. There were no bats and the cave floor was practically devoid of bat-droppings. The colours are also different, just a little more saturated than the caves I've visited previously (although it might just be an artefact of electric lighting).

It's also a bit of a victory for me because I made it through the cave with no lasting complaint, although Char might say otherwise! Char was talking about bringing me to the caves over in her neck of the woods when we go there at the end of the year. She's a little worried that I might not be able to cope, but I'm sure I'll manage. Plus if I can get a couple good shots in while I'm at it, why not?

On photography, legalities and other things.

I'm primarily a street photographer - I try to capture snippets of the strange tableau called life 'as is' as candidly as I can within public places such as streets, malls, parks, beaches, conventions and so on. It's an approach that requires me to be constantly on the watch and constantly moving, trying to preempt that perfect moment so that I can point, frame and snap without missing it entirely. As such I have to be quick to anticipate, quick on my feet, and quick to pull the trigger... things I often fail to achieve!

Atlas in infancy?

Child and water feature, Forrest Chase

As far as photography goes, I'm quite the neophyte. I know just enough to know what I'm doing, but don't have enough experience or confidence to consistently capture the weird and wonderful. Such is life. As with anything you've got to keep trying at it, otherwise you'll never quite make it.

One of the most singularly frustrating things about being a street photographer though is some person's reactions to you trying to take the perfect shot. I've been yelled at, told off or threatened with legal proceedings more times than I have bothered to count. Most times I'd just smile and move on, but then there's the occasional fellow who reallys gets under my skin. Seriously, know your rights before having a go at me!

No, Mr Bond. I expect you to die.

Evil mastermind planning world domination? Forrest Chase

There's no law in this country prohibiting me from snapping your photograph when we're in a public place. By virtue of the fact that you are in a public area, you automatically lose your right to reasonable privacy - meaning that I can snap a picture of you, your children, or even a picture of you frolicking naked on the sand if you're at a public nudist beach. The key word here is 'public'. Any issues you take up with me aren't legal, just merely questions of (1) personal taste, (2) perceived decency, or (3) paranoia that I'm a pedophile or (gasp!) a terrorist.

If I used your image to sell something or in an illegal manner, sure that's against the law. Just snapping a picture of you isn't, so please stop insinuating that it is. Incidentally, grabbing my camera, threatening me, or performing physical violence is against the law. A delicious irony that I'll savor when you're on the wrong side of those iron bars.

Inscrutable.

Child in a pram, Hay Street Mall

In my experience, persons with young kids, the elderly, and persons of African descent are most likely to take offence to my photography. Sure I can understand that some parents are overprotective of their little bundles of bawling, pooping, joy - even if it is unfounded; but elderly and persons of African descent? That I can't fathom. Perhaps it's something to do with a deep-seated pride or cultural touchiness I know nothing about? Please feel free to enlighten me if so.

My primary problem with being a street photographer is a lack of confidence to get out there in front of a person and obviously shoot that person with the person's full knowledge that they're on not-so-candid camera. That's something that I seriously need to get over or work around somehow. I notice that the more I photograph the more confident I get, but at the same time I'm not quite where I want to be with my photography, and I think it shows in the pictures I take.

Well, I'm off to take more pictures! Practice makes perfect hey?

Listen up, bitch.

You're a selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic, manipulative bitch and you expect sympathy from me? Seriously, what the hell are you smoking? I've read the post. 'You'll always love me?' Please! You don't deserve love. You deserve far worse than you've been getting.

Let's review the facts:

You took my money whenever you had the chance. When asking didn't work, you pleaded. When that didn't work, you begged and promised. When that didn't work, you stole. I've never brought this up before, but when you take someone's atm card and go on a spending spree without their knowledge, that's called theft. That's not something I'm going to forgive you for. You owe me, and I intend to collect.

You were unfaithful. Sure you say that you haven't slept with anyone, but there has been hints to the contrary - dare we trust you? When the distance became difficult, you went off and dated one of my best friends for a month. I had to wait a year for him to pluck up the courage to tell me and apologise, and I forgave him for having the balls to do that. You never did; I'm not going to forgive you.

And that's not counting the kisses and cuddles. Remember your ex-boss at the restaurant? Or that birthday party I missed when you were reported 'flaunting' that guy to mutual friends? Or all that flirtation with that bouncer fellow? You don't love people; you play them to get what you want, and that's just disgusting.

You neglected me for over half a year. That's right, 'neglected' - and it's your word, not mine. What did you expect after that? That I come back to you after having minimal contact for months? That I'd still care even though you forgot my birthday until a full month after, lied to me about sending gifts, never picked up the phone, and didn't call or write me?

You're a drugged up alcoholic party nut. Maybe you can even drink yourself into thinking that I care. I stopped caring ages ago - right around the time you forgot my birthday, in fact. I even told you that it was over, yet you persisted in thinking that we were an item for months. I'd think that 'we should go our separate ways' and 'I don't have feelings for you any longer' would be clear enough, even if you're on the booze train.

And what do you do to get my attention after being broken up for months? You MSN me and say that you're pregnant! What do you expect from me? That I'd keep my mouth shut and not tell your folks? Or people who can help you? Then you come back and insult me for doing the right thing. Believe me, I wasn't being all nice and chummy during that conversation - I was playing you for information, and you walked right into it.

To top things off, you offer to sleep with me for old times' sake. What the hell? Lets go right ahead and add 'slut' and 'whore' to the list of grievances. That's what you are aren't you? Someone's got to support that lavish lifestyle after all. Sugar daddies want a little sugar of their own, don't they?

Let's get this clear. You wasted two years of my life, my time, my effort and my money. You drained me out emotionally. You played me for a fool, and I admit that I was played - for a while.

I thought I could change you for the better, clearly I was wrong. Let's be clear, I never loved you enough. You were always going to be the rebound that I settled for and was too stupid to get rid off immediately. Trust me, I've learned my lesson.

Today I'm dating a girl who loves me. She's smart, funny, and relates on a level that you could never reach. She's a thousand times more than the person that you are, and I love her very much - millions more times than I cared about you. You don't deserve love. You deserve to be exposed for the cheap shallow fraud you are. The person who is never truly happy because they've got nothing inside to live for - just an empty shell that's terrified of letting others see just how empty she really is. I might pity you, but you're not worth my pity.

So here's to the one year anniversary of one of the best decisions of my life.

Good riddance.

Over-considering wastes time.

Its ridiculous how some people are so trapped by the legal and moral rammifications of an action that they let opportunity pass them by. Sure there's a lot of grey areas that require careful negotiation, but most situations don't allow for navel-gazing.

Take today. We're bound by a duty of care to disregard case manager/client privacy if it impacts on a client's safety and well being. My supervisor was so paralysed by the legalities of informing the school about a client that I ended up spending an hour twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to wrestle her way to a satisfactory outcome.

A lot of things could have happened to the client in that hour, but thankfully nothing did. When my supervisor finally got around to telling the school's youth worker, she discovered that the school already knew. How's that for time well spent?

I believe that when faced with a dilemna, you've got to take decisive action and do what's right, even if 'right' is unpopular and difficult. Take today's example. The right thing to do is inform the school, even if it means potentially losing that case manager/client rapport. What's imperative is getting the client the appropriate assistance, even if he hates you afterwards.

Sitting around considering the 'what ifs' doesn't accomplish anything. Char is fond of reminding me of that line in Batman Begins: "what I do defines me". That's exactly right. Sometimes you have to do the right thing in a timely manner and take opportunity as it comes. That's something that I try to cultivate in myself, even if the choices are hard and may hurt people.

Teenage sex.

Call me a hypocrite, but we HAVE to address teenage sex. I counselled a kid yesterday who was freaking out because he might have gotten someone pregnant and contracted an STD - and he's not the only one. One of my clients just had an abortion, and another's going to have an abortion. Then there's the childhood sexual abuse girl who flings herself at any willing penis, and she's just fourteen.

Abortion is not the solution to the problem: this mindset must change. We must teach our teens that abortion isn't 'just another contraceptive' and that sex 'isn't just another thing'. And preaching 'safe sex' doesn't help either.

On one hand, I think contraception is a useful and essential tool. On the other, contraception devalues sex. The illusion of 'no consequences' has turned sex from a sacred loving act into 'just another thing'. Sex is not something to brush aside, it is an integral part of the human experience and needs to be treated with the respect and dignity that it deserves. I really believe that.

Forget preaching abstinence or precautionary measures, lets talk about sexual responsibility. Sure it might be 'responsible' to wear a condom. But is it responsible to even have sex in the first place? And when you have sex, are you treating sex with the respect that it deserves? Are you treating your partner with the dignity that he or she deserves? Are you having sex because it is an expression of your respect and love for that person, or is it purely self gratification?

We need to be sexually responsible adults, and we need to teach that to our teenagers.

EDIT: If you're in WA, the Family Planning WA site is a good source of information and services.

Hard day's night.

I am tired and emotionally drained. Today's "big case" took a lot out of me. People say that working with people's issues is tiring. Yeah it is. Thing is, I don't think people know just how tiring it can be. The combination of work and family problems take a lot out of me. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with things.

I'm not supposed to discuss my clients, so I'll keep this short. Today I spent two hours with a pregnant 14-year-old rape victim who self harms, has no self worth, and has a massive attitude problem. She doesn't need me to help her re-engage in school; she needs a proper nurturing environment and therapy, not weekly one-hour sessions. I've tried referring her to qualified counsellors and engaging her in alternative education, but she refuses.

Work can be tiring and emotionally draining, so I try to maintain a professional emotional distance. It was difficult to do today though; sometimes you can't help feeling for the client. Plus my personal life isn't the best right now. There's a lot of different pressures and expectations to deal with, and sometimes I find it hard to cope. I haven't been able to do some things that I want to do recently, and that drags at me.

Another complete side note: I find that doing 'what's right' is profoundly difficult. Problem being that 'right' can mean different things to different people. I can't please everyone. Some days it feels like I can't please anyone, and falling short negatively affects my sense of self worth a lot more than I let on.

Sienning.

Damnit, it's four in the morning and I still can't sleep. I hate days like these. Come to think of it, I hate those Sunday nights when it's hard to completely relax because you've got work the next day. I enjoy the work, but I don't like the fact that I have less time to do random things.

Then again, do I really want to have all that extra free time? Not like I was doing anything important or significant when I had the time.

Since starting the job, I feel like I've spent more time on the phone with Char than I did when I was working part-time. I don't think I've given her any space recently, and I'm kicking myself for that. You could say that I'm still adapting to the job and new time commitments, but that's a poor excuse. I should know better.

I don't like making mistakes, but I seem to make big ones. Worse is that some mistakes can be avoided if I think before I act. I have a bad habit of going with my heart. Thinking can be tiring when you have to analyse and deconstruct a situation, consider past information, plot probable outcomes and impact on persons, be aware of the environment, and come to a decision within a second or two.

But if some people can do it, I don't see why I can't. I'll just have to try harder.

I've given up on trying to sleep tonight; brain doesn't want to rest. It's good to have a good think about the important things in life and where you might be lacking or where you might have gone wrong; but it's stupid to do it at this time of the night. Unfortunately, I can't rest despite my best efforts to just zone out and not think.

On a side note, my computer is mucking up and had some problems restarting earlier. It's barely a month old too. Trust a PC, eh?

Afternoon in the park.

Went to Freo briefly to do a little shooting. Thank god for fine weather! That said, I did get there as the sun was setting, so this batch of shots aren't very well lit. It's a shame because the colours could more vibrant.

Looking at the pictures that I've done recently, I don't think I have improved at all since picking up the camera again. I certainly don't make people sit up and go 'wow'; more like 'oh, that's nice'. Need to work on my angles too. I know some shots would be more dynamic if I shot it lower or higher or at an angle. Need to internalise that.



My grandma used to bring me to the little playground next to our block in Ang Mo Kio when I was four or five. I remember quite clearly one afternoon she picked me up from kindergarten, let me play around the playground for a bit before going home to a lunch of fried egg and rice. It's the little things like that which stick in your head: innocence and idyllic days.

I miss you grandma.



I love how us church boys used to play football every weekend. Sometimes the oldies (meaning our dads) would come in, and we'd have a fathers versus sons game. We always lost; guess experience does count for a lot, eh? Oh, those were the days.



This was one of those completely random pictures that just randomly happen. I pointed my camera in their general direction, and there it was. I like this picture, it gives me a sense of familial security between mother and child. Family is important to me, even though my current one practically drives me up the proverbial wall every other day.

More photos to come soon!

First school.

Had my first school visit today. Went to Lynwood Senior High to register some students for the CHILL programme (group sessions; don't ask me, I didn't name it). Must say it's really interesting to actually be 'on the job' as opposed to all the training and induction I've been doing so far.

I've realised how quickly an hour can zip by when you're just trying to build bonds and fish for useful information. I felt like there was barely enough time to start talking, and then time's up. All I really got was a sketchy personal history and the fellow's name. Not too impressive, eh?

One of the kids I talked to comes from a broken home where he got abused frequently, and now he takes his aggression out on everyone around him. Another kid has got a alcohol and marijuana problem (and is disturbingly proud of it), and yet another's been trying to cope with his father's death for the past 3 years. It's sad and difficult. I hope that what little I can do will help them.

On a complete side note, Mingyang is going to go and apply for pilot school just for the hell of it. Dude, I love you like a brother, but you don't have a driving license and you want to fly?! (I admit I cracked up when he told me, and everyone started looking at me funny)

Snapped some pictures on the way home from work yesterday. Will upload when I get around to it.

Around this town

As promised, pictures of people! This pair was so engrossed that they didn't even realise I was there. I feel like a voyeur of sorts. A part of me wonders about the legality of shooting random people without them knowing. I should really look that up. Apparently it's illegal to photograph children!

This was taken randomly while waiting for Adrian to complete his circuit of EB Games. Speaking of games, I'm damn tempted to get a PS3. Need to save money though!



Tried to track these cops, but as you can see, it's a little blur. Should have upped the shutter speed, but it was a spur of the moment track and snap, so I didn't have much time to fiddle.

Idle thought: I wonder if 'must look good in tights and sunglasses' is a job requirement for these fellows!



More people and coffee. Apparently we produce around 6.7 million tonnes of coffee per annum. That's pretty crazy eh? I don't think I can live without coffee. I practically spent half my time in school slacking in a corner with a coffee in hand. There was this guy with a beanie (Kershia knows his name) in Little Walters who would make me a triple shot flat white every morning. He actually would have it ready by the time I rocked up to the little window. How's that for customer service?



And just in case you thought all I did was snap people... More scenery/buildings/random objects!

I like this picture. For me it's really that sort of stretching into infinity coupled with the guy with the backpack who almost looks like he's following the bird. It's a pretty good analogy for my faith.

Problem is that the bird's rather small, and there's all these pretty shops along the way. I've found that I have a bad habit of sometimes losing sight of the bird.



And finally this clocktower. The architecture of the place somehow reminds me of back home, even though I don't think any place in Singapore looks like this! Maybe the fire station behind Funan Centre? What's it called again?

There's this sort of colonial air to buildings like these. It's a nice feeling. Like something familiar. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy for no apparent reason.

An update.

Spent most of today hanging around with Mingyang. I miss days like that, just walking around, doing stupid things, cracking lame jokes and just hanging out with a dude you practically grew up with. It's great.

Trawled through town looking for camera prices, deals, and alternative methods of payment. Found a few packages that interest me, and it pretty much boils down to whether I want a flash, or a bag and tripod to go with my camera. Decisions, decisions.

(I've decided to go with the flash. Tripods are cheaper, and I already have a bag in mind)

It's still a lot of money. I've talked to the folks about it; they've agreed to pay first, and I can pay them back in installments. I hope to get the camera paid off in under six months (at say, $50 a week?).

Hit Little Creatures and downed a couple of pints while talking about life, friends, Singapore, and where we've come in the past four years. I'm always amazed at how much he sees to the heart of things. His simple solutions and explanations are often the best.

I'll always appreciate that Mingyang's been there with me through my entire academic life. I'm really going to miss him once he goes back at the end of this semester. Unless he gets his bridging visa and stays and works here, that is.

I guess he's always been a constant in my life since Primary One. That's nineteen years that I've known him. God! It feels like forever hey? From drinking ribena in school canteens to beers in Little Creatures. That's quite something.

Post Scriptum.

On Saturday, May 10, I wrote "And I don't give a rat's arse who I have to stab or step on to get there."

I'm sorry for saying it. And my saying it hurt and disappointed more people than I knew. I don't mean it. I was angry, and when I am angry, I say lots of extreme things that I don't mean. I know that stabbing and stepping don't earn you friends, and I don't intend to to that just to get ahead.

I know I'm an asshole when I'm angry, and that's something I have been trying to work on for a very long time. Aggression comes to me too easily.

Guess it goes to show how much of a good person I'm not. I'm really disappointed in myself.

I'm really sorry that I've said harsh things that I don't mean. I'm making an effort to stop being like this.

Backsliding.

I backslide into self-absorbed emo-ness when I get angry or irritated. That's a problem. I can either try to not be angry or irritated, or I can remove myself from the source of irritation.

Attempts to curb the temper aren't enough. In the spirit of being upfront, I tend to be more blunt and direct in approaching people, provoking them. That in turn provokes me, so that's obviously not working as well as I would like.

It's difficult for me to speak my mind tactfully without resorting to indirect methods. Need to work on that.

Moving out will be a great boon to me because it gets me away from Mum (primary source of irritation). Looking at the finances, I need to keep working and saving in order to get there. First things first, I do need a (personal) vehicle before I can think of renting a place of my own. Transportation demands in Perth being what they are.

I realise that I'm too shackled by familial obligations and my mother's whims and opinions both financially and personally. It's hard to break away, but I'm trying to care less about that and focus more on myself and what I want without being selfish or self-absorbed.

Avoidance.

I have a problem with my anger, I am short-tempered and I get aggressive easily when irked. To me, anger and aggression come hand-in-hand. I've tried to deal (unsuccessfully) with the anger.

I think the problem lies not so much with the anger itself, but with that feeling of being irked that preceeds the anger. In my mind, being irked is related to being threatened, which is itself related to being hurt, eiter by myself or by others.

My anger is primarily a response to being hurt. That response has been blown out of proportion. I don't like being hurt, and I go out of my way to avoid being hurt. I avoid it to the point where anger becomes a defensive response, hence I get angry easily where there's no point in being angry.

So I'm tackling the root problem - fear of being hurt - as opposed to the temper. Plus, growth often comes from pain and if I don't allow myself to experience it, I will not grow.

Firstly, I accept that I have a problem that needs to be fixed. Secondly, I accept that hurts will occur in my life. Hurt is unavoidable and is not to be feared. Thirdly, I make a conscious effort to not allow myself to be hurt by the tiniest things. Fourthly, I make a conscious effort to not get angry defensively.

I want to be the best that I can be.